she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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