When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
