She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
