I must be too annoying 4 u.
hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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