His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Drunk is not a location!
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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