You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
