How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
