You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
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Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
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He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
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