I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
