I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
