It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
