Please, let me fuck your mom
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
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Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
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The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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