Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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