i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
ok first of all what the fuck
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
