Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
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Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
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That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
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