Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
