I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
