Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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