i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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