there's paper in my vomit.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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