Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
