when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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