***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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