I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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