if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
