nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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