i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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