I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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