You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
