sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
