Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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