walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
