The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
