I just saw a hot homeless man
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
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