I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
