I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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