Where did you get a picture of my penis
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
