Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
