my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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