Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Randomize
