Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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