the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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