i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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