whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
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