This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
