In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
