I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I need to stop coming to work sober
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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