You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
You need a sexual gate keeper
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
