I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
