i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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