Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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