I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
