Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
