Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
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