One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
