Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Randomize
