We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Randomize
